I can’t comprehend the obsession fans have with the band Tool, and that’s part of the reason why I am so repulsed by both parties. You never see someone who just likes Tool, they literally worship them. They live and breathe neurotically for this nauseating bunch of losers. Did I miss something, or do I just have to be really stoned to “get” it? Tool’s lead singer James “Maynard” Keenan is one of the biggest douche bags from my generation’s dismal taste in “music”. Whether I am reading something this dude has said, or actually listening to him speak in interviews, I still find myself flabbergasted by the kind of pompous idiocy that comes out of his mouth. “I can’t be a legend yet. I’m not dead.” Are you kidding me? Did this guy actually have the balls to say this? It doesn’t take death to make you a legend, (i.e. Paul McCartney, Jimmy Page, Chuck Berry) but he’s so completely moronic, he didn’t even notice his attempt at being completely conceited backfired and made him look like a failure. In his eyes, he will only reach renowned fame through death. That’s pretty damn weak. Maynard is not a “God”, he is not insightful, and he is not deep. He is no legend.
Maynard is a really obnoxious nickname Keenan gave himself while he was in Miltary school. That’s right…James ’FUCK THE WORLD’ Keenan was once upon a time an army brat, claiming he was influenced to do so because of the movie Stripes. Look, I love Bill Murray. I mean, I really love Bill Murray. And sure, at one point in my life I wanted to be a Ghostbuster, or a depressed oceanographer, but I’m not about to make any decisions solely based on cinema. In researching up on Maynard’s joke of an existence, I marked this as the very beginning in his long list of brilliant ideas. Now, lets focus on the hypocrisy of it all. Why would a strong, self-proclaimed, anti-war activist enlist in the United States Army? Well, besides the intense persuasiveness that comes from Stripes, I have no idea. Apparently though, Keenan was top of his class, got offered to go to West Point‘s prep school, and declined. Here’s a direct quote explaining his declination:
“I met a lot of wonderful people at the academy, but I realized there was no way I would make it through West Point undetected. They’d realize I am definitely a dissident, and speak my mind and think for myself, so I might as well bow out and choose another career. I declined my appointment in 1984.”
A dissident? Oh, shut uppppp. Yeah Maynard, I’m really convinced that your secret personality went undetected by Military personnel, and if you had actually gone to West Point, everyone would have figured out who the real you was.
And my personal favorite quote from Maynard, which comes from the same interview –
“Politically, I think (our system) is broken. I’m thinking of learning Chinese, just in case (China) comes in and ‘fixes things.’ ” BRAVO, MAYNARD! You’ve once again proven that just like most celebrities who abuse their fame to voice opinions about politics, you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. Yeah okay, you’ve got beef with the United States government, understandably so, but anyone who believes Communism would in any way be a step in the right direction is insane. I don’t know about anyone else, but, I will take a big PASS on any help from China regarding “our system”. Not only is Maynard a total poser, but he’s an ideal example as to why most of the public can’t stand celebrity activists. Fake beliefs, combined with strong points of view on issues he knows nothing about, makes Maynard one in the same with his moronic fanbase. You know, the kids you went to
high school with who turned 18 and still thought anarchy was awesome. The ones who slept through every class and wore the same t-shirt that reeked of stale pot every single day. Only…Maynard is Forty-Seven. My dad is forty-seven.
Another thing that annoys me about Maynard is his outspoken disapproval of music file sharing. He uses the same excuses that Metallica did – This is how we make our money and you’re stealing from us blah blah blah.They won’t even sell their album on iTunes because they don’t want listeners having the ability to download just one song. I guess this is where I become insensitive, because I certainly don’t feel sorry for them, or Metallica. Stop charging $80 dollars per ticket for people to come watch a shitty laser beam show, Tool. Maybe then you can whine about how you’re not making enough money. Perhaps then your annoying fans will stop carelessly ripping your albums for their 3 friends. It’s hysterical how bands like Tool make it as big as they do thanks to a following of lazy slackers, but later they act so shocked that fans download their music for free instead of buying the album. Really? That surprises you, dude? I’m sure they’d really love to buy your new album, but they already spent the last 20 bucks Mom gave them on a quarter of schwag. Besides, who needs to physically own the album when instead, you could choose the luxury of sitting alone in your dark basement with a 3 foot bong, listening to 10,000 days downloaded from Megaupload, while looking up Alex Gray‘s artwork on Google FOR FREE!!??! Exactly. When your fanbase is nothing but idle stoners, your income may suffer accordingly.
Simply because a band has no concept of time signatures, does not make them good. If it sounds just like “noise”, it probably is. If a song sounds like it took less than 3 hours to write the lyrics and instrumentals for, and record, it probably did. Listening to Maynard give jeremiads on life is excruciating, but once you start using cookie recipes for lyrics, your band sucks. Tool will often play more rapidly and with more variation but nothing they do is even that intricate. In a nominal sense, Tool is definitely nothing special. Except, they are really good at picking out clever logos.
You see… it’s funny, and “edgy”, ’cause it’s shaped like a penis. Ohhh, those guys!
Ninety-six percent of Tool fans are teenagers who, inspired by Maynard, develop a ”fuck this shit” attitude. They have disturbingly poor hygiene. Tool fans are also known to take psychedelics at parties and try to talk to you about why Ishmael by Daniel Quinn is such a live changing novel. They must always be stoned. If a Tool fan were to run out of pot, and A.) Had no cash, or B.) Were unable to touch base with their local drug dealer, they will then immediately and without recourse, scrape and smoke the resin that remains in every single piece of pot paraphernalia they own. They treat everyone around them like shit, as if Tool is a secret band that only “smart people” listen to, whilst posing as “activists” for things they know absolutely nothing about. The other 4% are made up of dorky old guys who still listen to bad metal, people who still listen to 311 (go fuck yourself), juggalos, and wanna be hippies.
Still, even though Tool fans smell like garbage and are practically fried retards, they are still intransigent fanatics for these guys. Tool is immensely unworthy of the incessant adoration their fans give them, and that is the most unbearable thing about this band.
MORE evidence as to why Tool sucks:
Maynard talking out of his ass
Maynard, now transformed into a clean-cut douche, tastes wine from his personal vineyard (where he spread his mother’s ashes, like a fucking creepass) with some moron who is equally as annoying as he.
Chris Mills
Editor-in-Chief at Demencha Magazine LLC and Demencha.com. Send music and event submissions to chris@demencha.com. LOCALS BEFORE LEGENDS.
Bucho (1 year ago)
eh. kinda hyperbolic and completely misses the point of the musicianship of the band (they capitalize on different time signatures…they don’t ignore them).
not to mention, China controls a good portion of the US debt. keenan wasn’t saying he was waiting for communism…he just understands the economic situation we’re in better than the writer.
mildly entertaining, however.
Travis (1 year ago)
Whereas I agree on some points and your insights are always pretty funny, I do still disagree on a lot of it. Saying that all Tool fans smell like garbage and live in their parents basement smoking bong all day would be like saying all white people can’t dance or all black people love fried chicken. Broad sweeping generalizations =/ a good argument for why a band sucks.
As for their music, they have put out some truly fantastic albums, unfortunately not since the nineties, well before your time. Seventeen years ago when I started listening to them they were new and edgy. If you spent any real time with Opiate, Undertow and Aenima then you might be able to appreciate my view of the band. Or maybe they just remind me of middle school and high school when life was a bit easier. It would justy be nice to have a great new cd out of them and not have to wait 6 years.
I do agree that they have went a bit downhill as of late, and I told you what I thought before you wrote this. I feel Maynard has lost a bit of interest in the band, spends too much time making wine and working with A Perfect Circle. I feel that when they do get around to doing a tour, tickets are too expensive and it pretty much come down to a Tool version of a Pink Floyd laser light show. I feel the rest of the band suffers because they are great musicians. I’d venture to argue that Danny Carey is one of the best drummers of my generation.
So as a true Tool fan, now you have my side and I think as good of a writer as you are you could have came up with better things to say about the band besides Maynard’s name and the fan’s hygiene. Oh, and for the record, I don’t smell like garbage, do I? I’d hope you would have told me. But over all a good pretty good write, and some funny stuff, but focus on why they suck, not the fans. We’re the ones reading your articles, try not to bust our balls too much ;)
Travis (1 year ago)
And I’d venture a guess that beatles fans used to get high back in the day.
elduderino (1 year ago)
granted Tool does basically suck and is HIGHLY overrated. and i am as sick of anyone of any fans that “worship” their favorite band (and yes, Tool and 311 fans can DEFINITELY be insanely annoying in that regard). however, i was hoping this would be more than just a bunch of crappy generalizations about people that smoke pot and wear the same clothes all the time. so what?? the writer comes off as more arrogant and douchey than Maynard ever does.
i get that this is probably mostly in jest (or is it? i dunno; the writer does seem genuinely annoyed and borderline serious) but i was hoping to read more about the mediocrity of their music (cuz for the most part, i know i find it very mediocre and boring) instead of just a bunch of silly name calling to their fans….uh, yeah LOTS of awesome bands also have lazy, broke, pot smoking fans. also, some pretty awesome people are lazy, broke pot smokers….*AHEM* Willie Nelson???
frank (1 year ago)
Maynard thinks and acts for himself…freedom of expression.I would have bowed out myself at West Point.
““I met a lot of wonderful people at the academy, but I realized there was no way I would make it through West Point undetected. They’d realize I am definitely a dissident, and speak my mind and think for myself, so I might as well bow out and choose another career. I declined my appointment in 1984.”
Well Said… You go Maynard.
This N That (1 year ago)
i think its funny how angry you are about Tool.
I’m not a nutcase for Tool, I just like the music they make. It’s intense, unabashed and holds good rhythm. Despising and ripping Tool to me is similar to dissing Rage… it’s peculiar and just nonsense. I think it’s time you found your perfect music and learned to love it more. If you felt right about your own shit and what you were doing you’d have absolutely no problem with Tool because you’d be centered. I’m not a musician but I’m an artist. I know what ego does.
Robert (1 year ago)
This whole article reads like one giant unimaginative youtube troll comment, but meh, I’ll bite.
The “I can’t be a legend yet. I’m not dead.” quote was in response to the interviewer claiming that some think of him as legendary and was taken completely out of context in this ‘article’. Congratulations, KMash (do you mind if I call you KMash?), you’re a hack writer.
A dissident is simply someone who publically disagrees with an organization. No other overly-dramatic connotation needed. I’d bet someone who shows contempt for Army policy wouldn’t last long at West Point. It was probably a smart move on his part to skip it.
The China comment had literally zero to do with communism. He was pointing out how corrupt our political system can be, and how it contributes to our growing vulnerability to our rising rival, China. The ‘learning Chinese’ part was tongue-in-cheek.
Maynard was far from Larsian levels of douchiness in how he addressed file-sharing. When you have to sell half a million records to break even, file-sharing can hurt. That was his only point, and it was simply a fact.
Your claim about Tool’s use of time signatures is uninformed and flatly wrong.
Do you actually think they were laughing like Beavis and Butthead over the penis-wrench logo? If anything, Tool has a very similar delivery style to South Park — sometimes crude and pointless, but capable of making inspired, intelligent observations. Using anal-fisting as a metaphor for how the media can desensitize people is identical in form to South Park.
And finally, I have a grand total of zero traits in your lovely fan demographic breakdown… oops. If this entire article is just a troll, then it’s pretty uninspired. Maybe try harder next time? If this was actually intended to be taken as a piece of even semi-worthwhile persuasive or critical writing, then just quit writing now. Seriously, you’re bad. It’s probably better to stick to discriptive writing instead. Just the facts, ma’am. Just the facts.
Brandi (10 months ago)
I believe the real douche in this equation is you.
haa haaa (10 months ago)
Wow, I thought there would be one supporter. But I guess no one else is as ignorant as the writer. I’m betting Maynard told this guy to fuck off when he was bum rushed for an autograph.
Chase (7 months ago)
Maynard does have an odd sense of humor, but most the quotes you are calling him out on are just jokes
Suck my tool (6 months ago)
Im a stoner and a fan i haven’t changed my shirt in ages but im pretty sure this is the exact same bullshoot i got from my girlfriend when i got her 10,000 days for our anniversary.
Jimmy (4 months ago)
‘Simply because a band has no concept of time signatures, does not make them good’. The sadness of this comment is fucking mindblowing. You sir are a full-blown nitwit ;)
Thomas (4 months ago)
What a jackass…
Ryan (4 months ago)
If you don’t get their use of odd time signatures in their music, you’re probably just another sheep that has been prodded along into the Top 40 simplistic garbage that makes up the music industry today. You don’t need to be a pot smoking moron to enjoy the music of these guys. I’m no stoner yet I listen to these guys a lot. They are not some fad that became of being “different” and “edgy” with funny penis logos. They are a collection of artists who see the world in a different way than you do. Your view of this band and more importantly the creative mind that fronts it is so unbelievably out in left field. And by the way, thank you so much for lending SO much of your time to bash a band that is worlds above your ignorant head. “Fuck you buddy”
Anita (3 months ago)
A poorly written juvenile rant. Quite disappointed as I was expecting much more. By the way, I like Tool and I’m a chick. I don’t smell like garbage. I liked high school and didn’t get stoned. Silly stereotypes does not a good article make.
Luke (3 months ago)
LOL. Look at all these butthurt tool fans.
Paige (3 months ago)
So you don’t like what you heard a band member say and you dismiss the band entirely – in that case, you must not have any music left to listen to. Tool transcends most of the crap called music in the time they’ve been around. No one sounds like Tool but Tool. I feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t “get it” – Tool is likely too intellectual for you anyway. (Clearly this rant was written by an imbecile who doesn’t understand symbolism and humor – the so-called arguments are baseless and juvenile.) Oh and by the way, I’m “straight-edge” & I shower twice a day & I fucking…wait for it…WORSHIP Tool. Let me guess – you’re in your mommy’s basement and just ran out of your stash and now you need something to whine about. Maybe do some fact-checking on your legend Jimmy Page and how many songs he ripped off. Critical writing really isn’t for you – perhaps learn to swim…
lafsatu (3 months ago)
goddam scientologists, why can’t you just leave us alone, hubbard was a fraud, get over it
dan (3 months ago)
Been in love with Tool for nearly 20 years, but I still chuckled quite a bit reading this. Unlike the other band members, I’m actually not the biggest fan of Maynard as a personality. People far too often project their opinion of the art upon the artist (which is seldom reliable), as so a man producing sublime and intelligent music must also embody those characteristics.
A gross generalisation of the fans – but still hilariously accurate for some. Are you fans seriosuly goign to tell me you haven’t been to Tool concerts and seen EXACTLY the characters he describes?
As for the music, Chris clearly has no idea how skilled this band is (esp. Danny). So skilled in fact, I don’t know why people are getting offended by such moronic remarks. Why take it so seriously?
Chris Mills (3 months ago)
Dan, I did not write this article. It was written by an old contributor who moved on from Demencha quite a while ago.
Charles (3 months ago)
I love tools music, but maynerd is a comunist hypocrit. The last show i went to he hid behind some cloth the whole time and had goons harasing people for trying to take pictures in the dark with there cell phones, and that was 6 years ago when the camers were crap. I do like the music and enjoy some smoke from time to time, but i have a job and responsibilities and dont take it well when some rich self important bitch tells me how much the capitalist system that made him welthy is broken and not good for the rest of us. If you think your rock star idols are some how teaching you to think for your self then why do they all spew the same collectivist drone garbage. People like him go on the no pay list. So grab your self some peer block and a proxy server. Head over to iso hunt for the tool discography and show that a$$ hole where he can put his political opinion.
John Dillinger Cried for Jews (3 months ago)
There music is good, although 10,000 Days not so much. Somewhere along the way Maynard gave up on it for some reason, we will never know.
It’s funny how they created a cult following, it was the right business strategy for a 90s rock band. When I was in college I took them way too seriously, and they are into all this occult stuff which they openly promote that is probably not too good for the soul.
Grandmother (2 months ago)
If you eat your vegetables kids.
Tony Laam (2 months ago)
You are THE monumental fuck of the internet. Either you are fucking joking or you are a narcissistic judgmental piece of shit, who has nothing better to do than to discriminate against a band that yet you clearly know nothing about, but respectfully, I honor your narrow minded opinion. This one is just for you. You can’t have one without it’s inverse right? Because the way you portray TOOL fans is under a very contrasting light – they are all bad people. WELL… I am in the process of obtaining my doctorates in music theory, you clearly don’t know anything about music if you are going to sit there and blindly judge polyrhythmic syncopation like you even know one thing about theory. I’m also an off duty MARINE, and will be serving for the next 20 years for our country, but not for judgemental pricks who have nothing better to do than offend thousands of people over a music preference. And why won’t you grow the fuck up? Because it’s better if you don’t. You can’t have one without the inverse. There will always be people like you in the world, the ones who think their uneducated opinion matters at all. Go stick your head back up your ass, you are way too ugly from all of that shit in your teeth.
Sweet Funky Freedom (2 months ago)
Great article! Tool are fucking terrible. The best part about Tool is their artist, Alex Gray – that alone should be enough to casual listeners they aren’t what their fanatics make them out to be.
Tool reminds me of Zeppelin – I think both bands use musical techniques to hypnotize / indoctrinate their listeners. They play monotonous, repetitive music and after 9 minutes of the same god damn riff OVER AND OVER AND OVER again it puts the listeners into a trance. The Grateful Dead used the same technique, however, they managed to sound GOOD when doing it. I can’t say the same for Zeppelin and Tool – they lacked the musical dynamics to keep these 9 minute riffs interesting.
Perhaps the Grateful Dead, with their double drummer, double guitar, bass and keys lineup, just had more going on musically to keep things moving and progressing, whereas Tool and Zeppelin fall on their faces because not enough is going on to keep things interesting. Who knows?
Music (1 month ago)
Hi, my name’s Music and I’m subjective.